i guess

its comforting to know people who have gone through the same thing

that understand what you are going through.

it makes me feel much better and much brighter knowing that not all people are bad. i tried to give up hope. i thought all people were bad people and were mean and treated people terribly.

i was wrong. that's not true. there is hope.

i will hopefully find love again.
if not love. comfort works too. maybe someone who compliments me.
that's what we should all try to find. not someone who "completes you" but someone who compliments you.

Merry Christmas =]

well

its all over.

live and learn.

love and then forget all about it.

after one year. my whole life is changed drastically.

and i cant turn it back to the way it was. when i was really outgoing and happy and crazy. and i LOVED holidays.

now they just seem like a waste of time.

=[ i am pathetic. i am sorry.

wow

i have a hard time believing that a long relationship can last and be nothing but loving and wonderful.

but i guess thats because the guy that i fell head over heels for is stubborn. and so am i.

we are so in love with each other. but we fight. and we do stupid things.


i am honest to god afraid that he is the love of my life and i am never going to feel the same way about someone again and i willl regret the mistakes i made for the rest of my life...

i am so annoyed

with everything.

i like my dreams better. they are organized. and i KNOW what is happening.

life is so complicated.



and i am REALLY ridiculously jealous. but i make it worse. i think about everything too much.

i need to just let it all go.

gnjkdnfjkhnmhkl;

its just hard.

Life

my life is looking up.

i read a very good book that cheered me all up. it made me realize just what to do to get back on track. to truly like myself the way i should.

I am so excited for everything:
For the rest of fall play.
For abracadabra.
I am doing the miss Moorpark pageant.
For VEGAS to see Britney
To be free and happy.

its gonna be way different and I am soooo excited.

I have never been so ready to change.

=]

oh and

mmmm











thats better.










sooo hot.

past

i have been thinking about the past a lot lately.

thinking about everything Ive gone through.

everything that has happened to me before.

all the good memories.... and the bad.

mostly i think of middle school. which for me was like the highlight of my life. 6th and 7th grade were a blast. i made lasting friendships and had great times. 8th grade year was the worst. freshmen year wasn't any better. sophomore year sucked too. but least then i had someone to help ease up my pain. but terrible things happened that year. junior year. was the best. i was HAPPY. this year. is back to terrible.

The lasting memories of friendship are the ones i want to keep. everything else can just disappear. i have had this crazy fantasy for the past 4 years that i will move to Europe and i will forget all about life here in America. i will meet new people. make new memories. and the past will fade away. but lately i have been thinking that i don't want to forget it all. i want to remember the friends. the funny moments. that laughs and the long talks. my FRIENDS. i can forget all about the bad, all about the ones that hurt. i would love to forget.

This rant seems to be going no where.

but mainly i just... i want to forget the bad... but i cant.

today

i got rid of it all. i got rid of all the things that could remind me.

i deleted his number. i took off all the pictures. i but my book in the garage somewhere hidden so i could never see it. i cant throw it out just yet.

i got rid of everything. his jacket. his gifts. his ring. ALL OF IT.

and i cried. one last time. i told him happy early birthday, happy thanksgiving, merry Christmas, happy new year, and even happy valentines day. so then that way. when those days came along i would tell hi it again. its already been done. that hardest is going to be our one year. because i had such a HUGE plan for it. but oh well. i will get over it. the day will come. i might shed a tear and then i get over it.

ill get over it all.

i just wish i hadn't lost my best friend.

but i am on my way already with my book. its very exciting.

AND my moms friend said she might be able to get me an audition for twilight =] to be a part of the tribe hahaha. my native americanness might come in handy. FOR ONCE hahaha

so excited! wootwoot

Well

i have decided.

i want a laptop for Christmas. and that's pretty much it.

maybe a crappy car to drive around, maybe some clothes. other than that. i will be all set.

but i don't want a laptop so that i can myspace and facebook or blog all day.


i am writing a book. and i need the freedom to write whereever and whenever i want.

i am wayyy excited. i cant wait to start. it will help me to get out all my frustration and all my ideas. to be able to really characterize. to show how i observe and feel, and some of my experiences will be in there as well.
its gonna be a great thing for me

yes, i am not a great writer. and its gonna take ALOT of time. and i will most likely finish in a few years haha. but i mean hey! it will be something i can say i have done.

i have never been so inspired to do something like this.

(i havent though of names yet)

My main character is a girl who is really odd. she has weird thoughts and weird personality flaws, she is very easily amused and friendly. but once you get to know her. shes intensely troubled. She is very good at pretending to feel or think a certain way. she for the most part has good intentions. but she can be very stupid at times. she has far too much trust in people even though shes knows that lying is there because she tends to do it herself. My other character is her best friend. He is always there for her when she needs him. but he in turn has some problems. his mother died when he was 10 and his dad isn't so much the best father to him. he kinda lets him to whatever he wants too. he has a lot of trouble staying away from the bad crowd. he tries to always be there for the girl but he moves away in the beginning of the book and they can only speak on the phone. There are two other guy characters and one girl hcaracter. The first of the two guys is a friend from school. he is really morally concious. he is nice to her but can be a total kerk. he is intolerant and tends to be hated for it. he over thinks everything. but he is usually the good guy, until he turns on the main girl when tradegy is unveloped to him about the main girl. Which introduces the second guy his name is James. he is an ASSHOLE. he only wants one thing and he is sick and twisted enough to convince our main girl when she was younger to "give" it to him. more or less it was taken from her. there will be a flashback scence to what really ends up happening. the main girl is truly affected by this incident and the stroy involves how she lives her life to be a better person with the help of the two "good guys" and her best frind. who is a very artistic and amazing young girl who has such an insight about her friend. they know everything there is to know about one another and get along very well. they are very similar in most ways. and she is there to always cheer her up and keep her going.

there will be other characters and other little plot twists but for the most part. thats where im going with the book.

i might change things around but i havent thought of any names except James. i picked that name because James always seems to be the bad guy.

=] so excited!

i know

that no one actually reads this crap im sure.
but it feels good to get to out anyways.

i honest to god. truly, madly deeply, HATE myself.
i have screwed up too many times.
i have lost too many good things in my life because I'm a fuck up.
i recently lost the most important thing in my life. the person who helped me the most. if you want to know more about him. he is in almost all of my posts. most importantly..."Hero"
thats is how much a care for him. still do.
i FUCKED myself over on that one.
i LIED. i treated him like shit. he didnt deserve any of it.

i did attempt to redeem myself. it alsmost worked. i did improve. but not enough =[

and now i am a whore, and im dirty, and i am a liar. i am all the trhings i didnt want to be.

its funny how much ive changed. i dont want to. i want to be mean. i want to be the me I said i would be. but if no one will let me then whats the point?

god dammit. why cant i do anything right?

it isnt even all about him. i am just not a good person at all. i talk crap. i can be so mean. i am spiteful, selfish, and gross.

bndsjguhsdfguisdl;jiogh;

this was a dumb rant.
i am so dumb. and pathetic.

nmjkdfyo; bleh.

i will always

love you.

my heart was ripped out today. its gonna take a lot to bring it back.

everything i have ever said still rings true.

you may say you don't care. you may say you are over it. that you don't give a fuck. that im a bitch, a whore, a liar, a terrible person.

but you know the truth. that you loved me more than i ever dreamed you could. and you are hurting too. even a little bit. and i know deep down you haven't moved on.

it doesn't really matter anymore. because i could never be with you again. i would most likely hurt you.

all i want to say is i am terribly sorry. i am ashamed of myself. i wish i could take everything back.

i love you.

i cant believe

i let my heart fall so hard for someone i knew could hurt me just as bad. and he did. but i hurt him. i hurt him deep. and i am a mean nasty person. i fucked up. i fucked up bad. I wish that i could go back a treat him the way he deserved. i love that boy. and he hates me. he hates evertything about me. he thinks im dirty. and he is embarressed to say im his ex. he thinks then no one will want him if he has been with me. thats how fucking gross i am. i am a terrible person and all i want is sex? OUCH. i have nbever been hurt so much with words before. " stick and stones may break my bones. but words will always hurt me worse" i am too emotional i swear. someone seriously just take me away and help me forget about everything.... im thinking... new york. or the carribean. anything to make me feel better. about losing the love of my life..... and hurting him the worst ive ever hurt someone.

i

was wrong.

again.

i guess i take back that last blog.

new blog :

i was killed. my heart broken in 7.

bleh.

I

Never have anything of interest to say on this darn thing.

but today is different.

i am HAPPY. i am 100% happy.

I LOVE Hans Joseph Boysen and he loves me too =]
we are very happy. we have had so many memories:

- meeting in msp
- first date at lalos
- exchanging gifts
- new years
- spa nights
- him going to my shows
- tournaments
- the first day we said i love you
- chinatown
- beach trips
- valentines picnic
- tennis
- playing wii
- beating each other up
-

there are so many more. but i cant remember them all =/
but i will continue this list....

for now. i just wanted to update. i am no longer a miserable emo kid haha.

i am happy. and not just because i love him and he loves me back. but because i am accepted the way i am. no need to chnage. i am perfect for him and he is perfect for me.

<3

I am

a loser. plain and simple. i have like.... a couple friends. maybe. i mean yeah i have alot of people im cool with. and dont get me wrong im not saying everyone hates me. i just dont have a solid group of friends. so i dont have people i hang around all the time. i dont have things to do EVER. and then i talk to him. and hes off having fun every night. getting drunk at parties. hanging out with his plethra of friends. he has freedom and he has everything he wants. hes got a great life. and mine SUCKS. it makes me upset. and jealous. and =[[[ and then on top of the jealousy I then think hes doing other things too.... like.... with other girls ='[ and that makes me the most upset. grrr. i wish things would get better. but hey! ive got a good idea. any one wanna go the the beach for the weekend? and just get away? rent a hotel room for like 2 nights and party hardy by the beach? that would be awesome. OR the more expensive thing... LETS TAKE A CRUISE!! =]

Hero

So my last post is still true. i am still hurting. But i am feeling much better about things. My mind seems to have found that every experience i have gone through has helped me in some way. Yes it has hindered me in other ways. But i will learn from my mistakes and from my experiences, however terrible they are. I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge my hero. He is my guardian angel. I swear he is sent straight from god to make me whole gain. He brought me out of my stupid emo depression stage. He made me truly happy. He taught me so much. He made me feel like I know exactly what i should in life. He taught me to speak up. He taught me to fight for myself. He taught me to have respect, to have manners, to have valid opinions. he taught me to control myself. He taugh me sooooo many things that i love him for. He has made my life easier and better. He is the best thing that ever ever ever happened to me. He will probably be the best there ever was. In all honesty, I never ever wanted to give him up. and I still dont. I dont want him to be anyone else's angel. Hes supposed to be mine. But as they say, when you love someone you let them go. It just hurts. Its really does. Hes basically everything to me. But even so, I at least know that he made me a better person. He gave me my morals back, the ones that I had and threw away. I have so much respect and love for this human being. He is the funniest, kindest, most opinionated, loving, always trying to always be a better person. I mean yes. everyone does has there flaws and hes not perfect either, and niether am I. But I love that man and always will. Hans Joseph Boysen will always be the best guy in the world. I will always wish him love and happiness. My first real love, my hero, my guardian angel.

fuck

i need to get this out somehow. I am being torn apart from the inside out. My heart has been ripped into a billion pieces. I feel like i have nothing left. was stripped of my life. and all the thing i love. I miss my old life sooo much. I miss the memories and fun times. They are all gone. now i am nothing. void. a zombie pretending that life is fine. I pretend that I'm okay. that i am all put together. but really I'm a fucking mess. i try to keep my brain as empty as i can because the second i think i get upset. I try to trick myself into thinking that im okay. and that i will be fine. but it shows even more every second that im hurt. and my friends arent really there. why would i be writing in this if they were? i would tell them. I dont really have an outlet. So all i do is sit around and try to keep my mind preoccupied. ive watched so much t.v i've probably lost 3/4 of my brain cells. I tried a numerous amount of things. but i keep falling right back into being a terrible mess. and i have no idea how to fix it. I hate this. I have no idea to let it go. and no one has any idea how i feel. So dont say you do. no one understands. i really wish someone would. but they dont.

Babysitting

Yesterday at like 11:30 in the morning i got a call from my moms friend because she really needed a babysitter. i would have to stay the night because she was going to be out really late. I found out a little later on that her daughter Carly has diabetes. I had to check her blood sugar several times. I felt so bad. That must not be fun at all. she cant have too much sugar or too little so she cant eat whatever she wants when she wants. She has to eat at certain times. and she cant exceed a certain amount of any food. I wouldn't be able to do that. She is sooo sweet though. and so fun. and she made me realize that life is not to be taken for granted. She has a heart of gold. She wanted to pray before bed and she wanted me to pray with her so she did a prayer and then she wanted me to do a prayer. In her prayer she said a nice thing about everyone in her family and said about how much she loves her mom because her mom really cares about her and is always checking to make sure she doesnt go into a coma. She is an inspiration. Im so glad i did that. I definantly needed tha. It cheered me up and showed me the simplistics of being a child. I miss being young and never feeling lonely or sad or anything. They just jump right back up and say im gonna play a game! and they go and do there thing. they pretend they have a whole room of friends. and they are never alone. Its so imaginative and i miss that. I am so tired of growing up. I want to be immature again. But at the same time i dont =/ I guess i just want life to be simple like it used to be. When bad things seemed they would never happen. And life was like a dream. No heartaches. No real worrying. No nightmares. Nothing. I wish that could happen again. But unfortunatly it never can =[

Hatred

I hate you.
and Him.
and the bus.
and school.

i like
friends
and movies

thats about it.

right now. fuck my life.

Spanish Rice

Yesterday was alright. I got to catch up with some friends i haven't seen in awhile. and played volleyball with my Hanzy and some other friend. Then i got home. opened my gifts and then went to Hans house. we ate some Del taco and watched a bit of Rambo with his friend Brandon. It was chill. Then today i went with Hans to get his new racquet. haha hes so cute. he spent like $100 on a totally legit racquet. Then i played ball girl for him while he hit some balls haha. Then we went to his Great grandmas house with his family. We went swimming and had delicious food. including yes, Spanish rice haha. I love that boy so much. Hes amazing! <3 Now hes at work. his last shift at Sweet Retreat. Now I'm just chilling listening to good music and writing in here. I really want to see a movie tomorrow. or even tonight. I have 3 movies i really want to see: tropic thunder, pineapple express, and house bunny. well now to go eat some more hehe. oh. take my poll!

Birthday party today

I woke up at 7:30 this morning to go with my mom to take my dog to get groomed. Then we spent like 2 hours at the store getting food for today =] We got all kinds of good food. Mmm! I'll put pictures later. I'm so excited to play volleyball with my friends and eat good food. I made a pasta salad and barbecue chicken wings haha. We got chips and salsa and tons of other goodies. I'm in a very good mood surprisingly. But before my party: QUIDDITCH!!! hahaha omg. i love my friends!!! <333 haha i better go. so i can get ready for it :D

Bad day

Today was a terrible day. Actually last night was terrible. I got into the worst mood> i stayed up late thinking about my life and how i am the way i am. It made me realize how terrible i really do feel about myself. I'm unfortunately a truly unhappy person. I just pretend to be happy. I wish people would understand me if i told them. I'm thinking about writing a book. Though this blog helps too. I wish i could find someone who was going through a similar thing. But I have yet to find someone. the closest person was Melinda from Speak. But thats different. I have relationships with people and I talk to people. Well my birthday party is today. So I'm hoping i will cheer up and have a great time. Hanzy is coming, so i hope all goes well.