oh and

mmmm











thats better.










sooo hot.

past

i have been thinking about the past a lot lately.

thinking about everything Ive gone through.

everything that has happened to me before.

all the good memories.... and the bad.

mostly i think of middle school. which for me was like the highlight of my life. 6th and 7th grade were a blast. i made lasting friendships and had great times. 8th grade year was the worst. freshmen year wasn't any better. sophomore year sucked too. but least then i had someone to help ease up my pain. but terrible things happened that year. junior year. was the best. i was HAPPY. this year. is back to terrible.

The lasting memories of friendship are the ones i want to keep. everything else can just disappear. i have had this crazy fantasy for the past 4 years that i will move to Europe and i will forget all about life here in America. i will meet new people. make new memories. and the past will fade away. but lately i have been thinking that i don't want to forget it all. i want to remember the friends. the funny moments. that laughs and the long talks. my FRIENDS. i can forget all about the bad, all about the ones that hurt. i would love to forget.

This rant seems to be going no where.

but mainly i just... i want to forget the bad... but i cant.

today

i got rid of it all. i got rid of all the things that could remind me.

i deleted his number. i took off all the pictures. i but my book in the garage somewhere hidden so i could never see it. i cant throw it out just yet.

i got rid of everything. his jacket. his gifts. his ring. ALL OF IT.

and i cried. one last time. i told him happy early birthday, happy thanksgiving, merry Christmas, happy new year, and even happy valentines day. so then that way. when those days came along i would tell hi it again. its already been done. that hardest is going to be our one year. because i had such a HUGE plan for it. but oh well. i will get over it. the day will come. i might shed a tear and then i get over it.

ill get over it all.

i just wish i hadn't lost my best friend.

but i am on my way already with my book. its very exciting.

AND my moms friend said she might be able to get me an audition for twilight =] to be a part of the tribe hahaha. my native americanness might come in handy. FOR ONCE hahaha

so excited! wootwoot

Well

i have decided.

i want a laptop for Christmas. and that's pretty much it.

maybe a crappy car to drive around, maybe some clothes. other than that. i will be all set.

but i don't want a laptop so that i can myspace and facebook or blog all day.


i am writing a book. and i need the freedom to write whereever and whenever i want.

i am wayyy excited. i cant wait to start. it will help me to get out all my frustration and all my ideas. to be able to really characterize. to show how i observe and feel, and some of my experiences will be in there as well.
its gonna be a great thing for me

yes, i am not a great writer. and its gonna take ALOT of time. and i will most likely finish in a few years haha. but i mean hey! it will be something i can say i have done.

i have never been so inspired to do something like this.

(i havent though of names yet)

My main character is a girl who is really odd. she has weird thoughts and weird personality flaws, she is very easily amused and friendly. but once you get to know her. shes intensely troubled. She is very good at pretending to feel or think a certain way. she for the most part has good intentions. but she can be very stupid at times. she has far too much trust in people even though shes knows that lying is there because she tends to do it herself. My other character is her best friend. He is always there for her when she needs him. but he in turn has some problems. his mother died when he was 10 and his dad isn't so much the best father to him. he kinda lets him to whatever he wants too. he has a lot of trouble staying away from the bad crowd. he tries to always be there for the girl but he moves away in the beginning of the book and they can only speak on the phone. There are two other guy characters and one girl hcaracter. The first of the two guys is a friend from school. he is really morally concious. he is nice to her but can be a total kerk. he is intolerant and tends to be hated for it. he over thinks everything. but he is usually the good guy, until he turns on the main girl when tradegy is unveloped to him about the main girl. Which introduces the second guy his name is James. he is an ASSHOLE. he only wants one thing and he is sick and twisted enough to convince our main girl when she was younger to "give" it to him. more or less it was taken from her. there will be a flashback scence to what really ends up happening. the main girl is truly affected by this incident and the stroy involves how she lives her life to be a better person with the help of the two "good guys" and her best frind. who is a very artistic and amazing young girl who has such an insight about her friend. they know everything there is to know about one another and get along very well. they are very similar in most ways. and she is there to always cheer her up and keep her going.

there will be other characters and other little plot twists but for the most part. thats where im going with the book.

i might change things around but i havent thought of any names except James. i picked that name because James always seems to be the bad guy.

=] so excited!

i know

that no one actually reads this crap im sure.
but it feels good to get to out anyways.

i honest to god. truly, madly deeply, HATE myself.
i have screwed up too many times.
i have lost too many good things in my life because I'm a fuck up.
i recently lost the most important thing in my life. the person who helped me the most. if you want to know more about him. he is in almost all of my posts. most importantly..."Hero"
thats is how much a care for him. still do.
i FUCKED myself over on that one.
i LIED. i treated him like shit. he didnt deserve any of it.

i did attempt to redeem myself. it alsmost worked. i did improve. but not enough =[

and now i am a whore, and im dirty, and i am a liar. i am all the trhings i didnt want to be.

its funny how much ive changed. i dont want to. i want to be mean. i want to be the me I said i would be. but if no one will let me then whats the point?

god dammit. why cant i do anything right?

it isnt even all about him. i am just not a good person at all. i talk crap. i can be so mean. i am spiteful, selfish, and gross.

bndsjguhsdfguisdl;jiogh;

this was a dumb rant.
i am so dumb. and pathetic.

nmjkdfyo; bleh.

i will always

love you.

my heart was ripped out today. its gonna take a lot to bring it back.

everything i have ever said still rings true.

you may say you don't care. you may say you are over it. that you don't give a fuck. that im a bitch, a whore, a liar, a terrible person.

but you know the truth. that you loved me more than i ever dreamed you could. and you are hurting too. even a little bit. and i know deep down you haven't moved on.

it doesn't really matter anymore. because i could never be with you again. i would most likely hurt you.

all i want to say is i am terribly sorry. i am ashamed of myself. i wish i could take everything back.

i love you.

i cant believe

i let my heart fall so hard for someone i knew could hurt me just as bad. and he did. but i hurt him. i hurt him deep. and i am a mean nasty person. i fucked up. i fucked up bad. I wish that i could go back a treat him the way he deserved. i love that boy. and he hates me. he hates evertything about me. he thinks im dirty. and he is embarressed to say im his ex. he thinks then no one will want him if he has been with me. thats how fucking gross i am. i am a terrible person and all i want is sex? OUCH. i have nbever been hurt so much with words before. " stick and stones may break my bones. but words will always hurt me worse" i am too emotional i swear. someone seriously just take me away and help me forget about everything.... im thinking... new york. or the carribean. anything to make me feel better. about losing the love of my life..... and hurting him the worst ive ever hurt someone.

i

was wrong.

again.

i guess i take back that last blog.

new blog :

i was killed. my heart broken in 7.

bleh.