fuck

i need to get this out somehow. I am being torn apart from the inside out. My heart has been ripped into a billion pieces. I feel like i have nothing left. was stripped of my life. and all the thing i love. I miss my old life sooo much. I miss the memories and fun times. They are all gone. now i am nothing. void. a zombie pretending that life is fine. I pretend that I'm okay. that i am all put together. but really I'm a fucking mess. i try to keep my brain as empty as i can because the second i think i get upset. I try to trick myself into thinking that im okay. and that i will be fine. but it shows even more every second that im hurt. and my friends arent really there. why would i be writing in this if they were? i would tell them. I dont really have an outlet. So all i do is sit around and try to keep my mind preoccupied. ive watched so much t.v i've probably lost 3/4 of my brain cells. I tried a numerous amount of things. but i keep falling right back into being a terrible mess. and i have no idea how to fix it. I hate this. I have no idea to let it go. and no one has any idea how i feel. So dont say you do. no one understands. i really wish someone would. but they dont.