I am

a loser. plain and simple. i have like.... a couple friends. maybe. i mean yeah i have alot of people im cool with. and dont get me wrong im not saying everyone hates me. i just dont have a solid group of friends. so i dont have people i hang around all the time. i dont have things to do EVER. and then i talk to him. and hes off having fun every night. getting drunk at parties. hanging out with his plethra of friends. he has freedom and he has everything he wants. hes got a great life. and mine SUCKS. it makes me upset. and jealous. and =[[[ and then on top of the jealousy I then think hes doing other things too.... like.... with other girls ='[ and that makes me the most upset. grrr. i wish things would get better. but hey! ive got a good idea. any one wanna go the the beach for the weekend? and just get away? rent a hotel room for like 2 nights and party hardy by the beach? that would be awesome. OR the more expensive thing... LETS TAKE A CRUISE!! =]

Hero

So my last post is still true. i am still hurting. But i am feeling much better about things. My mind seems to have found that every experience i have gone through has helped me in some way. Yes it has hindered me in other ways. But i will learn from my mistakes and from my experiences, however terrible they are. I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge my hero. He is my guardian angel. I swear he is sent straight from god to make me whole gain. He brought me out of my stupid emo depression stage. He made me truly happy. He taught me so much. He made me feel like I know exactly what i should in life. He taught me to speak up. He taught me to fight for myself. He taught me to have respect, to have manners, to have valid opinions. he taught me to control myself. He taugh me sooooo many things that i love him for. He has made my life easier and better. He is the best thing that ever ever ever happened to me. He will probably be the best there ever was. In all honesty, I never ever wanted to give him up. and I still dont. I dont want him to be anyone else's angel. Hes supposed to be mine. But as they say, when you love someone you let them go. It just hurts. Its really does. Hes basically everything to me. But even so, I at least know that he made me a better person. He gave me my morals back, the ones that I had and threw away. I have so much respect and love for this human being. He is the funniest, kindest, most opinionated, loving, always trying to always be a better person. I mean yes. everyone does has there flaws and hes not perfect either, and niether am I. But I love that man and always will. Hans Joseph Boysen will always be the best guy in the world. I will always wish him love and happiness. My first real love, my hero, my guardian angel.

fuck

i need to get this out somehow. I am being torn apart from the inside out. My heart has been ripped into a billion pieces. I feel like i have nothing left. was stripped of my life. and all the thing i love. I miss my old life sooo much. I miss the memories and fun times. They are all gone. now i am nothing. void. a zombie pretending that life is fine. I pretend that I'm okay. that i am all put together. but really I'm a fucking mess. i try to keep my brain as empty as i can because the second i think i get upset. I try to trick myself into thinking that im okay. and that i will be fine. but it shows even more every second that im hurt. and my friends arent really there. why would i be writing in this if they were? i would tell them. I dont really have an outlet. So all i do is sit around and try to keep my mind preoccupied. ive watched so much t.v i've probably lost 3/4 of my brain cells. I tried a numerous amount of things. but i keep falling right back into being a terrible mess. and i have no idea how to fix it. I hate this. I have no idea to let it go. and no one has any idea how i feel. So dont say you do. no one understands. i really wish someone would. but they dont.

Babysitting

Yesterday at like 11:30 in the morning i got a call from my moms friend because she really needed a babysitter. i would have to stay the night because she was going to be out really late. I found out a little later on that her daughter Carly has diabetes. I had to check her blood sugar several times. I felt so bad. That must not be fun at all. she cant have too much sugar or too little so she cant eat whatever she wants when she wants. She has to eat at certain times. and she cant exceed a certain amount of any food. I wouldn't be able to do that. She is sooo sweet though. and so fun. and she made me realize that life is not to be taken for granted. She has a heart of gold. She wanted to pray before bed and she wanted me to pray with her so she did a prayer and then she wanted me to do a prayer. In her prayer she said a nice thing about everyone in her family and said about how much she loves her mom because her mom really cares about her and is always checking to make sure she doesnt go into a coma. She is an inspiration. Im so glad i did that. I definantly needed tha. It cheered me up and showed me the simplistics of being a child. I miss being young and never feeling lonely or sad or anything. They just jump right back up and say im gonna play a game! and they go and do there thing. they pretend they have a whole room of friends. and they are never alone. Its so imaginative and i miss that. I am so tired of growing up. I want to be immature again. But at the same time i dont =/ I guess i just want life to be simple like it used to be. When bad things seemed they would never happen. And life was like a dream. No heartaches. No real worrying. No nightmares. Nothing. I wish that could happen again. But unfortunatly it never can =[

Hatred

I hate you.
and Him.
and the bus.
and school.

i like
friends
and movies

thats about it.

right now. fuck my life.